Alot has been happening but there not important. I have purple hair now. It's so cool! I was only going to dye the underhalf of my hair purple but then my mom messed up so we dyed all of it. It's so flippin awesome. lol. I love it. I'm kinda bummed out right now cuz today I actually have to do things and go places. But it's all good. I get to go to disneyland for my birthday! I'm gonna be gonna the whole week. I'm so excited!!! MEGAN! you me and Rachael will have to hang out the weekend before I leave. Is that cool with you? Let me know.

Anyways I dont have alot to say. I've just been sleeping and eating.

Later!

So much going through my head. So much pain and so many lies. Do I want to sit here and try to figure everything out? Do I want to know the truth? What just happend? What's going to happen? I cant talk. I'm speechless. Confusion has overwhelmed me. My heart hurts in so many ways. Why do I never get what I want? The one guy. That one special guy. He's just gone. Poof. Out of my life for good. Then the guy I want to have. The guy that means alot to me. Doesn't even know that I excist, or does he? Even if he did I will never be more then just a lame friend. Then there's the third guy. My fantasy guy. I see him every day in pictures. I hate it. I hate falling for guys that I can never have. At least I have a better chance of getting the guy I want to have then my fantasy guy. In the end I get no one. I'm left alone at nights crying myself to sleep wondering what is wrong with me. I wonder why guys never want me. Am I just that ugly? or am I just that fat? I hide it on the outside. You see me and I'm just smiling like everything is alright. Inside I want to die. I want to be the gurl that everyone just forgot about. I'm no one special. I haven't left any type of foot prints on your heart, making you want to keep me around. I'm not a leader. I'm just a follower. I'm to scared to lead. What if I fail miserably? I can't handle this. The weight is too heavy. My back is breaking everyday. I'm losing confidence every minute. I hate the person that I am. I regret my life. If only I cutted a little deeper or took a little bit more pills, I wouldn't have to be here today. I wouldn't be sitting here writing the most saddest thing ever. I wouldn't be here in tears staring at this computer screen, writing my emotions and feelings just for people to skim over them and pay no attention. I wouldn't have those of you that actually do read my blogs in tears right now, wondering if I'm still alive or if I actually had the strength to take my own life. No matter how much I want to die I will never have the strength to kill myself. I'm too scared to die but too scared to live. I'm in a battle with myself. Either way I lose. Why do I have these haunting memories? Why do I have to live through them everyday? I'm not as strong as I use to be. I'm breaking down from the inside out. My shield is being destroyed by every hit from you. Pretty soon I'll have nothing protecting me, and with one last blow. This battle will be over. It's almost over with.

Tears Falls,
from my eyes.
As I sit here,
alone & cry.
Memories,
run though my mind.
As I sit here,
And remember our crazy times.
How I wish,
you where here.
Rather than,
way up there.
Life is really,
starting to suck.
As one more,
painful cut.
Standing here.
All alone,
as I see 2 dates.
On your gravestone,
Its been,
almost 8 months.
As that day,
still haunts me.
I miss you,
& I love you.
Rest In Peace Papa...

           *James C. Olave*
March 26, 1930 - July 13, 2005

I'm always posting things about my papa on either mindsay or myspace because he really meant the world to me. He was my papa, he took the role of being a father in my life, and he was my best friend. I really do miss him and hate looking at his chair in the family room but not seeing him sitting there in it. It really does suck. I hope none of you have to go through all the pain and suffering that I had/have to go through now.